Kiss My Knits!

When we left off, we were trying to free some captives from a ship full of pirate slavers. We had revealed ourselves and were currently at a standoff with the enemy. There might, however, still be a chance to get out of this without violence. Hahahaha. Right.

Also, I’m not going to bother to bleep the profanity out of this, so you’ve been warned.

We’re barricaded behind a table and the captain peeks around. He’s understandably pissed off that we’ve infiltrated his ship, killed his mates, and tried to free his slaves. He asks if we want to negotiate. We respectfully respond.

Palin: “Enslave this.” Palin lifts her middle finger.
Palin: Aaaand we’re off!
Aleanghi: LOL
Veracity: Veracity doesn’t look around at the commotion, but she looks seriously alarmed as she ducks back down behind the barricade. Pulling Palin down too.
GM Vaschon: The captain gives Palin a nasty look and exits the room.
Palin: Mmmmaybe we should have killed him before he could leave.
Aleanghi: Or at least shot.
GM Vaschon: Your party has 4 rounds to prepare.

We consider barricading, but then realize that all the captain really has to do is to lock us in and sail to port where he’ll have tons of backup. So we need to take the fight to them. Preferably without getting shot when we stick our heads out the door. Through it all, we’ve discussed that we do have a very unpredictable secret weapon: the owlbear idol.

GM Vaschon: Veracity peers down the corridor and sees a stocky dwarven captain, a tall hooded elven mate, a kobold lookout, a kobold cook, 4 human mates, an armored half-orc mate and a scraggly parrot.

Aleanghi: (q) We can shake the statue outside the door.
GM Vaschon: You can shake your idol anywhere.
Palin: Words to live by.
Aleanghi: It’ll just reeeeeeeeeally be bad if it summons where we are, rather than outside in that corridor.
Aleanghi: (y’all wanna go for that?)
Palin: Yes. Absolutely yes. It will either work and we’ll all be saved or it won’t work and the comedic potential is enormous.
Palin: I mean, how much more screwed could we get?
Aleanghi: Never type that out loud where the DM can see, Heather.

Meanwhile, Val is down in the hold with the prisoners. We see all kinds of mysterious rolls taking place. He’s freeing the slaves. Go Val!

Val: Val unlocks one cell door and waves the prisoners out. Val combs his fingers through his hair before shaking the hand of a prisoner and puts a dagger in his other hand.
GM Vaschon: Ale, you may make your attempt.
Aleanghi: Okay, Aleangi is gonna stick her hand out, low, try to be not too noticable, and wave the statue. Now.

GM Vaschon: Ale shakes and waves her idol and nothing happens… She is noticed and the pirates give a look.

She gives it another go.

GM Vaschon: Ale waves her idol furiously and it crumbles in her hands. Moments later there is a loud roar as an owlbear is summoned at the door. Now roll for control.
Aleanghi: Ale jerks her hand back in. Crap, another roll?
Aleanghi rolled 1 20-sided die: 6
GM Vaschon: yup, another crap roll 🙂
Aleanghi: This is why I waved it OUTSIDE the door.
GM Vaschon: The owlbear is quite pissed and will attack anything and everything in it’s way! The pirates give another look and charge into action.
Torkal: I FUCKING LOVE THAT STATUE
Torkal: Just sayin’.

I lose connection for about two minutes. Bad timing! Anything could happen while I’m gone!

Palin: Did the owlbeat kill everybody yet?
GM Vaschon: The owlbear is eyeing Palin. She needs to roll initiative.
Palin: owlbear. Not owlbeat.
Val: Owlbeat is a new magazine for homely tween girls
Aleanghi: No, for tween HP fangirls.

GM Vaschon: The owlbear starts off the action with a rather pissed look in it’s eye. He will choose his target. 1-9 are the pirates, 10-15 are those in the room.
Palin: yay! It’s owlbear roulette!
Aleanghi: Low number, low number…
GM Vaschon rolled 1 15-sided die: 5
Val: woo
Aleanghi: WOOHOO!
Veracity: phew
GM Vaschon: The owlbear turns his attention to the corridor and attacks the half-orc.

Excellent choice! The owlbear gets three attacks and rips the half-orc a new one. It’s very impressive.

Palin: Okay, my husband asks a question. Is this the SAME owlbear every time? if so, no wonder we can’t control it. It must be so pissed.
GM Vaschon: A wise question to be sure! And no one but the owlbear knows!
Aleanghi: Anyone speak owlbear? 🙂
Val: Val speaks owlbear. Of course, he’s not there.
Bentein: Because of his upbringing which is best not spoken of.
Palin: That’s a hell of a backstory.
Aleanghi: Raised in the wild by owlbears?

GM Vaschon: The pilot casts at Torkal! A swarm of hornets and pestilence surround him.
Torkal: Oh, that shit is rude.
Palin: Whoa! Everybody away from Torkal!
Aleanghi: Well, I was only at the doorway, so you better believe I’ll back up.

So while Torkal may have been surrounded by angry bees (Angry B is going to be my rap name, by the way), the pirates are occupied by the owlbear. The plan is actually working!

Then we notice that the captain nearly takes the owlbear down with one attack.
Palin: Man, that captain is kind of badass.
Aleanghi: …kind of?
Torkal: He’s going to kind of kill the shit out of us.

Val continues to free captives. Veracity tries to hypnotize the human crew members. They’re going to have to be hella hypnotized not to notice the giant owlbear flailing amongst them.

I hit the pilot for 13 damage, but he is only lightly wounded.
Palin: Lightly? Dammit!
Torkal: I’m pretty sure these dudes are all way too high level for us.
Palin: It’s almost like there should have been a way for us to get out of this without fighting…
Palin: …nah.
Veracity: Not after you fingered the captain!
Palin: rule 34.

The owlbear regrettably turns its attention to Torkal.

Torkal: Torkal looks like he wishes his fucking allies were all here!
Palin: You’re being beaten by an owlbear and you’re surrounded by bees.
Torkal: It’s the fucking Wicker Man.

The owlbear hits Torkal for more than half his hit points. Torkal wisely retreats out of the corridor and back into the room.
Palin: Maybe we shouldn’t summon things that can kill us.
Aleanghi: Hey, I did ask.

The captain continues to attack the owlbear. Aleanghi casts haste on the party. As I begin typing a sarcastic reply to something, a half-orc gets a critical hit in on Palin.

GM Vaschon: Palin roll a 1d7. You get to decide what limb is struck. btw, a 1 is center shot head and death 🙂
Palin: WHAT???
GM Vaschon: Your fate is in your dice!
Veracity: 0.0
Aleanghi: Eep.
Veracity: Don’t die, Palin!
Aleanghi: I think it almost sucks worse knowing the roll in advance.
GM Vaschon: Adds to the suspense!
Palin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNaZedAWmlE
Palin rolled 1 7-sided die: 5
Veracity: phew

I’m hit in the chest and thankfully take minimal damage. Luckiest fail ever.

Meanwhile, from the hold below, we hear:

Val: Val faces the 15(?!) newly freed prisoners, “Right! I’m Valasitor, Valasitor Vasch, and this here is Bento. We’ve come a long way to get to you but we’re almost free. My crew is upstairs holding off the ship’s crew…if we band together we have the numbers dawgonit to outmatch them.” He looks about, “Who can cast magic? who can wield a weapon? Bento, give someone the crowbar! Everyone can help in some way” Val swipes his hand through his hair.
GM Vaschon: A few announce they can cast magic however have no spells prepared. The others gather weapons and will join the battle in 2 rounds.
Bentein: Bento. LOL
Bentein: This is Japanese lunch.
Palin: In D&D, lunch eats YOU!
GM Vaschon: mmm, black pudding

Our mages are doing well with defensive spells like grease. I take down a half-orc.

Torkal: That dude was a wuss!
Palin: Operative word: WAS.
Veracity: Well, in fairness, the owlbear bit half his head off!

Don’t be hating. He’s dead, isn’t he? Bentein rejoins us from the hold of the ship, ready to heal anybody who needs healing. They keep coming at us, but we mostly hold our own. And by hold our own, I mean we are the beneficiaries of good luck.

GM Vaschon: The kobold cook decides an action. He howls and yips and runs down the hall to the room…
GM Vaschon rolled 1 20-sided die: 8
GM Vaschon: He fails his save on the grease patch and slides forward, losing his balance.
Val: Macaulay Culkin runs by the Kobold Cook.

By this point it’s getting fairly late and the end is nowhere in sight, and because some of us (like me) still aren’t at full health, we decide to stop. Next week we’ll pick up with the next round of combat. Stay tuned for more awesome owlbear action!