Kiss My Knits!

When last we left our intrepid group, we had opened a trunk and found a magical deck which granted boons (or possibly anti-boons) to all who chose a card. So far we have gotten a cool sword, an extra level, greater strength, a boost to experience, a battle dog, and an emergency natural 20.

It’s Klyx’s turn to pick! Will our luck hold?


GM Vaschon: As Klyx turns the 16th card…
Val: wait what?
Veracity: ……..wut?
Palin: whoa whoa.
Torkal: Did he just summon a huge-ass demon?
Palin: Dammit, Klyx!
GM Vaschon: A creature none of you has seen (but Palin has bad dreams about) before appears.
Val: oh come on
Veracity: This CAN’T be good.
Palin: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Torkal: MINDFLAYER

Some background here. Back in 2004, I was in another chat room D&D campaign. Our current DM was a character in that party. We were level one characters, basically one step up from village idiots, in a mine to try and solve some sort of mystery. Well, in one session, a robed figure jumped out, smacked us down, then stepped onto a teleporter and disappeared. In my zeal to avenge my Dwarven brethren, I jumped onto the teleporter after it. Turns out it was a mindflayer, which was well beyond our abilities. I might have been a little more “village idiot” than the rest of the party. Ten minutes later, the entire party was dead. All right, yeah, maybe I accidentally got every single member of the party killed including the guy who’s running the current campaign. My bad. Anyway, this explains why there’s a little history between me and mindflayers.

Back in the present day, with the mindflayer firmly attached to Klyx’s brain, the rest of us leap into action. Bentein casts protection from evil on Klyx to give him a little extra help against having his brain removed. The mindflayer fights back.

GM Vaschon: Maintaining his grip on Klyx and looking forward to the delicious brains he’s about to sample, the mindflayer casts a stinking cloud around him.
Veracity: “Oh MAAAAAN….was that the dog?”
GM Vaschon: Anyone at melee will need to roll during their attack to avoid nausea.
Bentein: Is the mindflayer, currently, considered a summoned creature?
GM Vaschon: That’s a good question, one moment…
Bentein: If so, he can’t touch Klyx.
Val: When did Bentein ecome a lawyer and when can i congratulate him?

Bentein’s knowledge of the rules stands him in good stead. Based on what he says, the mindflayer does in fact release his hold on Klyx. It’s Torkal’s turn.

Torkal: TORKAL IS RAGEWAGON
Torkal: Is it a fort save to deal with nausea?
GM Vaschon: Fort yes
GM Vaschon: 1 roll
GM Vaschon: unless you fail.
Palin: But what are the odds of that?
Torkal rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
Torkal: …!
Torkal: A+
Palin: IRONY!
GM Vaschon: baching

Torkal touchingly decides not to send in the dog alone. On her turn, Veracity manages to avoid being overcome by nausea and…
Veracity: Veracity pulls out her wand of Summon Monster and waves that sucker energetically.
Palin: Oh my god.
Val: …
Aleanghi: Summon monster = what I do for Rollo.
Aleanghi: Chill. 🙂
Val: …thats sick
Palin: Ah. Okay.
Veracity: No faith, this bunch (g)
Torkal: Pimpdog desires a companion.
Palin: None of us would ever do anything boneheaded.
Veracity: Absolutely not!
GM Vaschon: lol, a celestial owl hoots into view.
Val: have it go for the eyes!
Val: with its claw
Veracity: “Sic ‘im, Hooter!”
Palin: Go for the eyes, Boo!
Veracity: Veracity points at the mindflayer.
GM Vaschon: roll the owl attack
Veracity: Do I add anything for the owl?
Torkal: “Owl get back to you on that.”
Torkal: OH MAN I’M GOOD
Veracity: groan

The owl doesn’t make contact with the mindflayer. Klyx manages to retreat and we get in some hits. The mindflayer turns its attentions to Aleanghi.
GM Vaschon: The mind flayer successfully grips Ale…
GM Vaschon: Ale takes 4 points damage from the grip and is about to be probed.
Palin: AGH!
Val: tentacle porn…of the face
GM Vaschon: Torkal!
Bentein: aaahhhh my asss seriously guys
Palin: Wow, Drew was right. There really is a rule 34.

Torkal gives it a go and fails. So does his dog. Veracity sends Hooter the Owl in again.
Veracity rolled 1 20-sided die: 2
GM Vaschon: Hooter swoops in and almost hits the wall.

Veracity shoots the mindflayer, but then flubs an important roll.
Veracity: cool. Okay, who did I shoot in the ass with the second attempt?
Torkal: If you shot the dog, I’ll molest your face so hard your eyeballs melt.
GM Vaschon: Veracity missfires the crossbow impaling Torkal with a bolt for 7 damage
Torkal: That’s fine.
Palin: Torkal now cares about exactly one thing. Which is one more than before.
Veracity: “….oops”
Veracity: Veracity hastily claims, “It was the mindflayer! It messed with my mind! Honest!”
Palin: SEEMS LEGIT

Aleanghi is still in the grip of the mindflayer. Palin goes into a rage, which is a special barbarian ability that grants additional strength and constitution for a time. Behold the GM’s rendition.
GM Vaschon: Palin rages…

She gets in a good solid hit.

GM Vaschon: The mindflayer fails to maintain his grip on Ale and stumbles back.
Palin: HELL YES.
Aleanghi: Whew!
Aleanghi: At this point, Aleangi would consider meaningful interaction with Palin.
GM Vaschon: rule 34

The mindflayer focuses his thoughts on Klyx and zaps him. Klyx falls over in agony. We all still have to roll before attacking to be sure we’re not incapacitated by the nauseating stinking cloud before we can even take a shot at the mindflayer. It’s really killing us. Torkal’s up, and with his usual flair for the dramatic, he takes a mighty swing!

Torkal: TORKAL VS CLOUD, FINAL BATTLE
Torkal rolled 1 20-sided die: 4
Torkal: …
Torkal: Dog attack!
Torkal rolled 1 20-sided die: 17
Palin: heh. Plan B!
Torkal: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Torkal: F*** YOU I’M GOING TO HURT THIS THING SOMEHOW
Bentein: Dog is energized by his delicious meal of vomit.
GM Vaschon: heh, the dog manages a bite on the Mindflayer
Torkal: MIGHTY CHOMP
GM Vaschon: Torkal’s war dog chomps for 4 damage
11:51 PM

After more battling, it’s Bentein who strikes the killing blow.

GM Vaschon: The mindflayer, with a final gasp collapses and disappears. A yellow glow surrounds Klyx who recovers consciousness.
Veracity: Whew.
GM Vaschon: Klyx seems somewhat changed
Aleanghi: After all that, hopefully nothing too horrific.
Veracity: “So, Klyx. Wanna try a different card?”
GM Vaschon: Klyx gives Veracity an incredulous stare
GM Vaschon: The cards in the chest poof.
Val: what seems different about klyx?
Palin: Handsomer? Tentaclier? Giving me my stolen money back-er?
GM Vaschon: Klyx appears more confident than previous
Palin: Well, he survived that, I guess he does.

Well, that was one weird, weird chest o’ stuff. We pick ourselves up and recover. The best summing up line of the whole encounter:

Veracity: So mindflayers are pretty bad, I conclude.

You said it, sister. Next time we leave the mysterious cavern of mystery and either do or do not get hopelessly lost. Tune in again!