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Accentuate the positive

Well, Emily had a bad day on Friday. Both of them shared a commonality, which sparked an “aha!” moment for me.

(Pics are of Emily with a cousin from Christmas. She’s the one with the brown hair and pink shirt. Heh.)

First, Emily had trouble in math drawing congruent figures. I can see that. Her teacher says, “It was difficult for her, but definitely felt she was capable. So I gave her a partner to help and she refused their help and couldn’t calm down from there.” She had to go to her “special” classroom to calm down. Apparently she actually crawled down the hall backwards toward that room. She came back about 45 minutes later, quite calm.

Also, for the first time this year, they’re having to share books. Her teacher says, “We were sharing health books ( as we only have 10 for our class) and she couldn’t find one that she thought she had in her desk. I looked and there wasn’t one, so I asked her to share with (her friend) -all of the other kids were sharing, too. She got very upset again, and started yelling and crying that she only wanted her book. (Her friend) offered to give her the book that she had, but that didn’t do the trick. I finally got VERY stern and explained to her in my strict mom voice that she could not continue to cry and keep the other kids from learning. She cried quietly for about 5 minutes and then got into the flow with us again. The rest of the day was good.”

(Note, I was all set to get up on my “underfunded education” high horse about sharing books until I heard that they had an extra second grade classroom this year that they hadn’t expected to, and that the books are going into a new printing next year, so there wasn’t much point in getting extra.)

I’ve talked with her about these incidents, and have started a “no crawling, no falling, no bawling” mnemonic. (She deliberately falls on the floor occasionally.) We roleplayed three times that I had a book and she didn’t. Three times, when asked if she could share, she sighed and said very softly and sadly, “no.” We’ll see how it goes this week. Her teacher’s going to be sure she’s one of the kids who has a book and can share hers with someone else.

I think that both of these incidents started out with something that was hard for her because of her PDD – manual dexterity for the first, unexpected change for the second – but there was an exacerbating factor. So I asked the teacher, “a lot of incidents seem to involve her sharing or teaming with other kids. Have you noticed this?” I also asked if she was being paired with the kids because a problem was happening, or if it was generally the other way around.

The teacher said, “I have thought about this and there actually seems to be more frustration over work than if she is working with someone. We are starting to do more centers, small groups, and cooperative learning which she struggles with. If she is in my group, she is usually fine, but center work without adult supervision is overwhelming to her. I truly wish we had an assistant or someone to work with her as I could see that being so beneficial to her academic and social learning.”

DING DING DING! This makes total sense. She’s worked with speech therapists, occupational therapists, psychologists, etc., but that’s always one on one. And even when she’s had group speech therapy with other kids, that’s with an adult to supervise and guide. It’s not her strong suit to work with other kids one on one, and she hasn’t had a lot of opportunity to work on that skill. That’s a situation with such a potential for unpredictability, I can understand how that would be frustrating and hard for her.

So while it may sound frustrating, like “oh, here’s another problem,” I am feeling GREAT that we have actually identified a problem because that is the first step toward figuring out how to fix it. Her teacher, who is wonderful about working with Emily, is going to help test this theory, saying, “I am going to try keeping her at a desk by me with work that the others are doing in centers and see how that works.”

Her teacher mentioned that we have a re-evaluation meeting this week (news to me) so this was the perfect time to have had this light bulb go off. If Emily needs an assistant in the classroom to facilitate her learning, I’m going to do my very best to see that she gets one. It’d benefit the whole class, since if she’s calmer then the whole day can flow more smoothly.

So my mission this week is to figure out what school rules and state and national laws require her to get the help she needs in the classroom to succeed, which will probably take the form of an assistant. Because I think that’s going to be the route to getting her unconventional help. People like to stick to what they know, and if I’m asking for something different, I need to help the powers that be see a way to make it happen easily.

Pushy, but in a nice way. That’s me, on behalf of my child. 🙂

I’m going to be talking with others who’ve had to deal with the school system and find out what good approaches are. I’m also going to ask another one of the little Brownies out for ice cream to get her a little more one-on-one.

It’s one more problem to solve – but we can solve it!

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  1. March 19th, 2007 at 15:05 | #1

    Go SuperMom!

  2. March 19th, 2007 at 15:05 | #2

    Go SuperMom!

  3. March 19th, 2007 at 15:51 | #3

    Go you! My sister has the same issues with my nephew! He’s autistic and PDD as well. He just turned 8. He’s had an aide with him since kindergarten tho, and what an amazing improvement we’ve seen in the past 2 years. We know that it wouldn’t have been possible with the support he’s had. My sister had to fight to get it too. Vermont was very behind with autism support before that. She’s been a big catalyst for change through him.

    if you ever have any questions as to school/support etc. you can email her at erikaerin2001 @ yahoo dot com

  4. March 19th, 2007 at 15:51 | #4

    Go you! My sister has the same issues with my nephew! He’s autistic and PDD as well. He just turned 8. He’s had an aide with him since kindergarten tho, and what an amazing improvement we’ve seen in the past 2 years. We know that it wouldn’t have been possible with the support he’s had. My sister had to fight to get it too. Vermont was very behind with autism support before that. She’s been a big catalyst for change through him.

    if you ever have any questions as to school/support etc. you can email her at erikaerin2001 @ yahoo dot com

  5. March 19th, 2007 at 18:09 | #5

    I am really bowled over by your calm, postive attitude and skill at dealing with your daughter and with her schooling. Good for you – I’m sure it’s not always easy, but then, raising kids in general is seldom easy! I know that public schools resist IEP additions that cost them money, so persist.

  6. March 19th, 2007 at 18:09 | #6

    I am really bowled over by your calm, postive attitude and skill at dealing with your daughter and with her schooling. Good for you – I’m sure it’s not always easy, but then, raising kids in general is seldom easy! I know that public schools resist IEP additions that cost them money, so persist.

  7. March 19th, 2007 at 20:45 | #7

    P had a bad day Friday, too (cried during the ABC song). Perhaps it was also the phase of the moon. 🙂

    He’s got an assistant all the time, it’s part of his IEP. Someone has to watch him specifically at recess to be sure he doesn’t wander off (and sometimes in class for the same reason). He gets hand-over-hand help for things that are still too difficult for him, though they try to get him doing it independently first. He’s the scissors king, but pencils are hard.

    I can totally see how working with other kids without an adult would be stressful. It’s a very different skill! It’s great that you’ve spotted it.

  8. March 19th, 2007 at 20:45 | #8

    P had a bad day Friday, too (cried during the ABC song). Perhaps it was also the phase of the moon. 🙂

    He’s got an assistant all the time, it’s part of his IEP. Someone has to watch him specifically at recess to be sure he doesn’t wander off (and sometimes in class for the same reason). He gets hand-over-hand help for things that are still too difficult for him, though they try to get him doing it independently first. He’s the scissors king, but pencils are hard.

    I can totally see how working with other kids without an adult would be stressful. It’s a very different skill! It’s great that you’ve spotted it.

  9. March 19th, 2007 at 22:21 | #9

    Tvini.. If you want I can chat with the Spec ed folks at my school and they may have some suggestions on laws and the like. These two ladies are very kid oriented. What grade is she in now?

  10. March 19th, 2007 at 22:21 | #10

    Tvini.. If you want I can chat with the Spec ed folks at my school and they may have some suggestions on laws and the like. These two ladies are very kid oriented. What grade is she in now?

  11. March 20th, 2007 at 01:36 | #11

    I love those lightbulb moments! Good luck getting Emily the help she needs.

  12. March 20th, 2007 at 01:36 | #12

    I love those lightbulb moments! Good luck getting Emily the help she needs.

  13. March 20th, 2007 at 03:03 | #13

    At my son’s IEP last week I asked about a one on one aide and if they thought it would be appropriate for him. They didn’t seem to think so since they want him to be dependent on a system (checklists, looking at the rest of the class, asking a neighbor, visual schedule) rather than dependent on a person. They want him to be more independent and I can see that he is a bit dependent on people. We still bathe him and brush his teeth because he refuses to and he’s 8. There are a lot of things that we still do for him that we’re supposed to start changing slowly. i’m not convinced that he’s ready for such independence and only time will tell.

  14. March 20th, 2007 at 03:03 | #14

    At my son’s IEP last week I asked about a one on one aide and if they thought it would be appropriate for him. They didn’t seem to think so since they want him to be dependent on a system (checklists, looking at the rest of the class, asking a neighbor, visual schedule) rather than dependent on a person. They want him to be more independent and I can see that he is a bit dependent on people. We still bathe him and brush his teeth because he refuses to and he’s 8. There are a lot of things that we still do for him that we’re supposed to start changing slowly. i’m not convinced that he’s ready for such independence and only time will tell.

  15. March 20th, 2007 at 04:29 | #15

    Thanks! I’ve got an e-mail in to the state autism society at the moment, because I want to be sure I’m up on our particular state’s laws. However, I’ll never turn down help. 🙂

  16. March 20th, 2007 at 04:29 | #16

    Thanks! I’ve got an e-mail in to the state autism society at the moment, because I want to be sure I’m up on our particular state’s laws. However, I’ll never turn down help. 🙂

  17. March 20th, 2007 at 04:34 | #17

    Thanks! It wasn’t easy at first after the diagnosis – there was depression requiring medication, in fact – but now it’s just another part of our life.

    I have a lot of confidence going into these things because of the time four years ago when they wanted to eliminate her speech therapy – and I convinced them to keep it up. It showed me that with the right approach, everybody can walk away happy. Nobody gets into education to be a bureaucrat, so if you can guide school personnel into getting excited about really making a difference for this child, it helps a lot.

  18. March 20th, 2007 at 04:34 | #18

    Thanks! It wasn’t easy at first after the diagnosis – there was depression requiring medication, in fact – but now it’s just another part of our life.

    I have a lot of confidence going into these things because of the time four years ago when they wanted to eliminate her speech therapy – and I convinced them to keep it up. It showed me that with the right approach, everybody can walk away happy. Nobody gets into education to be a bureaucrat, so if you can guide school personnel into getting excited about really making a difference for this child, it helps a lot.

  19. March 20th, 2007 at 04:35 | #19

    She’s in second, rising to third next year.

  20. March 20th, 2007 at 04:35 | #20

    She’s in second, rising to third next year.

  21. March 20th, 2007 at 04:50 | #21

    Every child’s different, so I can’t speak to your specific situation. But I will say that I have to constantly watch myself to be sure I’m not doing too much for Emily. Little habits become ingrained.

    For instance, at the beginning of this year I was still putting on her seat belt for her when she got into the car at the end of the school day. Then one day I thought, “you know, I’ll bet she could do this herself.” So I pulled up to the curb after she got in the car and had her try it herself. There was a lot of “It’s too hard!” and “I can’t do it!” but I insisted and eventually, she got it herself. It did take a while. I could probably have knit a row or two waiting if I weren’t watching and guiding her. I think the first couple of times I might have helped her by holding the piece that the belt goes into. It took a little time and complaint, but now it’s routine. She gets in, she buckles up, and we’re off.

    On bathing and tooth-brushing, I do still wash Emily’s hair, and have to give her a washcloth and remind her to wash her whole self in the tub. However, even that’s doing better. She remembers the parts she needs to wash, since we’ve run down them in a verbal list many times before. And then she looks at me to see if she’s done a good enough job. So we’re midway through the process of getting her to bathe herself (I’ll probably still keep doing the hair for a while). And I do brush Emily’s teeth at night because she does an awful job and the last time I let her do it all on her own, she wound up with cavities. That’s not a price I’m willing for her to pay. But she brushes her own teeth in the morning, that’s our compromise for now. We set a timer so she knows how long to brush for.

    I try to take periodic looks at our daily routine and think about what I’m doing for her that she could do herself. Sometimes it’s surprising. Do I need to get water for her? No, she can unscrew her lid (if it’s a straw cup), turn the water on and off, and screw the lid back on. So that’s one more thing she can do, if she’s shown how and is asked to. And I’m giving her more chores that require verbal understanding, like “Emily, there’s a pair of blue-handled scissors on the shelf by the door in the den. Could you go get those for me?” Then there’s a lot of “What?” and “Where?” but I don’t do it just because it’s easier for me to do it myself. That’s not the point.

    As a rule, she can do more than I think she can, but she’ll only rise to the level that she’s expected to. I just have to expect more of her (within reason), that’s all. You may find that as trying as those growing pains are, your son rises further than you’d think, too.

  22. March 20th, 2007 at 04:50 | #22

    Every child’s different, so I can’t speak to your specific situation. But I will say that I have to constantly watch myself to be sure I’m not doing too much for Emily. Little habits become ingrained.

    For instance, at the beginning of this year I was still putting on her seat belt for her when she got into the car at the end of the school day. Then one day I thought, “you know, I’ll bet she could do this herself.” So I pulled up to the curb after she got in the car and had her try it herself. There was a lot of “It’s too hard!” and “I can’t do it!” but I insisted and eventually, she got it herself. It did take a while. I could probably have knit a row or two waiting if I weren’t watching and guiding her. I think the first couple of times I might have helped her by holding the piece that the belt goes into. It took a little time and complaint, but now it’s routine. She gets in, she buckles up, and we’re off.

    On bathing and tooth-brushing, I do still wash Emily’s hair, and have to give her a washcloth and remind her to wash her whole self in the tub. However, even that’s doing better. She remembers the parts she needs to wash, since we’ve run down them in a verbal list many times before. And then she looks at me to see if she’s done a good enough job. So we’re midway through the process of getting her to bathe herself (I’ll probably still keep doing the hair for a while). And I do brush Emily’s teeth at night because she does an awful job and the last time I let her do it all on her own, she wound up with cavities. That’s not a price I’m willing for her to pay. But she brushes her own teeth in the morning, that’s our compromise for now. We set a timer so she knows how long to brush for.

    I try to take periodic looks at our daily routine and think about what I’m doing for her that she could do herself. Sometimes it’s surprising. Do I need to get water for her? No, she can unscrew her lid (if it’s a straw cup), turn the water on and off, and screw the lid back on. So that’s one more thing she can do, if she’s shown how and is asked to. And I’m giving her more chores that require verbal understanding, like “Emily, there’s a pair of blue-handled scissors on the shelf by the door in the den. Could you go get those for me?” Then there’s a lot of “What?” and “Where?” but I don’t do it just because it’s easier for me to do it myself. That’s not the point.

    As a rule, she can do more than I think she can, but she’ll only rise to the level that she’s expected to. I just have to expect more of her (within reason), that’s all. You may find that as trying as those growing pains are, your son rises further than you’d think, too.

  23. March 20th, 2007 at 04:51 | #23

    Thanks! Turns out the meeting isn’t until the 29th, so I feel like I’ve got time to prepare. 🙂

  24. March 20th, 2007 at 04:51 | #24

    Thanks! Turns out the meeting isn’t until the 29th, so I feel like I’ve got time to prepare. 🙂

  25. March 20th, 2007 at 11:05 | #25

    You’re good at this. You could have a whole new career as an advocate for special needs kids – aside from your other jobs homemaking, parenting, chaffeuring, knitting, spinning – I’m only partly joking!

  26. March 20th, 2007 at 11:05 | #26

    You’re good at this. You could have a whole new career as an advocate for special needs kids – aside from your other jobs homemaking, parenting, chaffeuring, knitting, spinning – I’m only partly joking!

  27. March 20th, 2007 at 11:13 | #27

    Heh. Except that I hate doing it. Aside from that, it’s a perfect job! 😉

  28. March 20th, 2007 at 11:13 | #28

    Heh. Except that I hate doing it. Aside from that, it’s a perfect job! 😉

  29. March 24th, 2007 at 19:24 | #29

    Hey T! I’ve got folks at school looking into it. Need to go chat with the head of the Spec Ed Department because she was out. Will let you know what I hear ASAP.

  30. March 24th, 2007 at 19:24 | #30

    Hey T! I’ve got folks at school looking into it. Need to go chat with the head of the Spec Ed Department because she was out. Will let you know what I hear ASAP.

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