Last night, we set up facilities to dissect the monstera! I was hopeful that the refrigerator had cooled it into suspended animation.
My able assistant Mr. Tvini began the process of removing the juicy flesh from the center core. Mwahahahaaaaa!
Faster, pussycat, kill, kill!
A very small taste of the flesh revealed that it was… good! Mr. Tvini pronounced it “too sweet” for his tastes, as if we’d let it go a little too long, but my sweet tooth is legendary, and I was undaunted. However, I feared that the monstera might yet rise from the grave to take its revenge, so I decided to blend the bejeebers out of it, just in case.
And so, it went in our food processor along with half a cup of yogurt, a little soy milk, about a half cup of orange juice, and a handful of frozen blueberries. You know, to dilute the evilness. Two minutes later, the vile creature from beyond the stars had been reduced to a delicious smoothie.
I took a sip. Not bad! Kind of got a little caught in my throat, though. The second sip still tasted good, but my throat felt a little more rough. Maybe I swallowed wrong? I took a third sip. Now my throat was distinctly itchy.
Needless to say, I stopped drinking.
I poked around the internet and found this site. At the end, it says: WARNING: All parts of Monstera deliciosa are poisonous except the ripe fruits. The plant contains oxalic acid and even the ripe fruits may be an irritant to particularly sensitive people.
Apparently, I’m “particularly sensitive” because twenty minutes later, my throat was still itchy. I drank some milk, which didn’t really help. So I pulled out the big guns and made brownies from scratch. That got it. Nothing in the universe can conquer the power of chocolate.
Actually, truth to tell, I was still a little sore in the morning. Not like “I swallowed a lemon zester” sore, more like “I drank orange juice with a raw throat” sore.
So, summing up. Its liquefied remains may be in my trash can, but the menace from beyond the stars did win a Pyrrhic victory. It was, however, tasty until it began eating away at my esophageal lining. I’ll leave it to you to decide whether you want to wade into battle with the monstera.
“Mmmm! Tastes like doom!”
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