Now, you may ask yourself, “what the heck is that?” I know I certainly did when I saw the forearm-length fruit in a little basket at the supermarket. I looked at it, walked by, then backed up and touched its surface. I started to walk away, but then, its sinister power drew me back! Entranced, I put it into my grocery cart and brought it home.
Then I read up on it. I quote, “Eating the immature fruit which has not matured and still has the kernels firmly attached, exposes the throat to the oxalic acid and is dangerous.”
Yes, you heard that right. This aptly named “monstera” can REND THE VERY FLESH FROM YOUR INNARDS! I began to suspect that this hadn’t been placed in the grocery store by the managers, but rather had been deposited there by cosmic beings of evil intent. Apparently, the scales have to fall away, like a snake shedding its skin, before it is safe to eat. Or so the alien overlords would have you believe! Just look at this artist’s conception of what the actual monstera life cycle looks like.
Nonetheless, I can’t let them know I’m on to them, and I don’t want acid in my throat, so there is nothing for it but to let it go through its freakish life cycle.
One day after purchase. Texture: bumpy but slightly giving, like an alligator just before it bites off your hand. It’s starting to swell up at the base. Clearly, something wants out. Also, it’s dropping little black specks, or as I call them, “Seeds of Evil” on my counter. I place it into a paper bag at about noon.
Jumping Jehosephat! This is that same evening. Texture: leprosy-like! Hidden away in the dark, the creature apparently feels more free to expose itself. A preference for the shadows? Definitely, evil! Plus, just look at a closeup!
Texture: scabrous and moistly flaky. Odor: enticing, like bananas and pineapple, but more evil. Think “Paris Hilton slathered in cocoa butter.”
Three days after purchase – this is today. As you can see, it’s shimmying out of its covering like a drunken prom queen. I believe the little scales are part of its monstrous design. Perhaps they’re designed to transmit back to the mother ship. More likely, they’re going to grow into little footsoldiers to do the monstera’s evil bidding.
If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, then you will know that the creature arose from its craft paper crypt and carried out the wishes of its evil masters. I’ll sleep with a fork under my pillow, just in case.
Hats up next for: MD, TX, TN.
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