Kiss My Knits!

Now, before we begin Week 44, I think there are a few things we need to clear up. You may have noticed that our party is sometimes a little… unorthodox… in our methods. “But Tvini,” you may have asked, “if we can put a man on the moon, why can’t we develop a method to quantify just how freakishly incompetent this party really is?”

Well now, through the magic of mathematics, we can!

Behold, the Party Ineptitude Standardized Scale, or PISS! Note that like all good scales, it goes to eleven. Using a complex series of equations quantifying the various areas of our incompetence, we can measure just how badly we suck in any given week.

Let’s examine how it works, shall we? For a baseline, let’s go back to our very first week, week one. Our party gets together and chooses a mission from a selection which the local nobility offers. So far, so good. Neither a positive nor a negative modifier. We take on a hireling, a kobold named Klyx. Good! He later turns out to be a pickpocket who steals all my cash. Bad, but only if you’re me, so I suppose we’ll let that go.

On the way to the mine where our adventure will take place, we encounter a tree across the road that looks cut and placed there, perhaps by bandits seeking to waylay travelers. We investigate and manage to avoid any traps. Good! However, it takes us 20 minutes to carefully circumvent what turns out to be a perfectly innocent log in the road which wasn’t trapped to begin with. Well, that’s bad, but we didn’t die from it or injure each other, so it’s not going to budge the score that far.

We reach the mine without incident and find a recently abandoned campsite. While carefully investigating the tents, this happens:



GM Vaschon: Palin looks in the first tent–
Torkal: Your tent is full of CAKE.
Palin: Alas, the cake is a lie.
GM Vaschon: rolled 1 20-sided die: 20
Torkal: …!
GM Vaschon: As you open the tent flap, 4 giant looking rodents burst out.
Palin: MOTHERF…..
Torkal: Oh hell. She found ENEMIES.
Palin: Why the hell were there giant rodents in the tent? Why? Pajama party?
Veracity: Better not to ask – they were probably eating. Something.
Palin: Maybe they’re more scared of us than we are of them. Maybe they’ll run right past us into the woods.
GM Vaschon: The order of attack is rodent, Palin, rodent, rodent, rodent, Torkal, Val, Veracity, Bentein, Klyx
Veracity: ((as the nearest giant rat starts to gnaw on Palin’s leg))

So that’s gonna raise the PISS. But we did learn from what happened…

Veracity: Veracity suggests poking the canvas of the third tent from the outside first. To see what might come out.
Palin: Where were you when I stuck my head into the first tent and had a rat launch itself at me?
Veracity: Hey, did *I* know you were going to do that?
Palin: I’m a Dwarf. I do these things.

So that’s going to bring the score back down some, provided we don’t stick our heads into any rat-infested tents again. And we did get a partially-gnawed ham out of one of the tents. At least, we hope it was a ham.

Next factor: lack of stealth. Again, let’s look at week one as we enter the mine:

Palin: Torkal, why don’t you and I poke our heads in, just go a few yards?
Torkal: Torkal nods, then strides into the mine to get a look around with Palin.
GM Vaschon: Both of you enter the mine about 10 ft. The walls of the initial area seem refined and well supported.
Torkal: Torkal calls back, “Looks fine! Laterns on, come in!”
Palin: Don’t bellow!
Bentein: I start striking a light, to get the lantern started.
Palin: I’m flapping my hands in alarm and making shushing noises.
GM Vaschon: Torkel’s voice echoes through the cavern.
Palin: I’m also glaring.
Torkal: Torkal glances at Palin and sighs, then nods. He looks resigned.

Through the luck of the dice, we don’t attract attention, but nonetheless – the PISS rises. Moving on…

Torkal: Torkal is going to go straight ahead until 1) there is a fork, 2) they come to something remarkable enough to give him pause. Bad support, floor problem, Palin bleeds out, etc.
Torkal: Following the passage.
GM Vaschon: you are all going to just walk until you hit one of those 2 things?
Palin: NO.
Palin: Palin’s already been ambushed by giant rats today, she wants to be extra cautious.
GM Vaschon: Torkal walks northeast until he’s out of sight with the rest of the group.
Palin: crap.

Separating the group as above raises the PISS score.

Regrouping and taking a lift to another level of the mine, we continue our explorations.

GM Vaschon: you travel 30′ and come to a dead end with a door on the southeast wall.
Val: I want to inspect door
Palin: Yeah, I want him to inspect the door.
GM Vaschon: roll a search
Val rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
GM Vaschon: Val pokes his eye on the knob.

Critical failures raise the PISS. Doubly so if they result in injury.

We enter a room full of barrels with assorted supplies found in a mine – nails, clothing, ore, etc. We find nothing else.

GM Vaschon: Klyx walks over to the north wall and searches.
GM Vaschon: rolled 1 20-sided die: 19
GM Vaschon: Klyx finds a door and informs those that are in the room.
Palin: For a kobold, Klyx has been surprisingly helpful.
Veracity: Really. What a good idea of mine it was, to bring him along.

We miss entire sections of the mine, so the NPC has to bail us out by finding them. Inattention to detail raises the PISS score.

Later, in the mess hall, we inadvertently release a captive boggle which promptly attacks us. Its screams alert more formerly captive boggles. Bad. Every single one of our combat rolls is successful and we kill the four boggles which tried to ambush us in a single round. Good! Our ineptitude is mitigated by great combat rolls.

We end the session:

Val: thanks for keeping the night rockin’
Palin: That’s what she said!
Val: WHOA

No less than three “that’s what she said!” jokes during the session : honestly I’m torn as to whether that increases or decreases the score.

So, summarizing, a week like week one might just score a two or three – we made some boneheaded moves, but nobody died and nobody was brought down by friendly fire. Actually being on fire, by the way, raises the score.

The week when we were spattered by exploding blood-filled stirges… probably a six. Licking the goop off the floor might have got it up to a six point five.

Seven skull nights include Val going off on his own and being eaten by living Jell-O or Veracity being ensorcelled by a vampire and attacking the party for daring to muss a hair on her beloved Edward’s head.

The week when we set the entire forest on fire probably goes up to about an eight.

This coming week, week 44? I’m pretty sure it goes to nine. Stay tuned!