Kiss My Knits!

This week’s update will be broken into two parts. The first involves me catching on fire – of course – but mainly, it’s all about Val. I have never ever seen someone have such a run of bad luck as Val did this week. It was just one thing after another, and most of those things were inflicted by his own party.

GM Vaschon: When last we left off, the dwarven miner successfully repaired the pump system. You had discovered a newly formed passage leading to an area not connected to the dwarven mine system…
Palin: And Palin drew a really awesome map.
GM Vaschon: Yes, everyone applaud Palin
Palin: Thank you.
GM Vaschon: You learned that some sort of ‘games’ or championship was being held. You didn’t learn much more than that other than different creatures were taking part.
Palin: And that Veracity has some kind of flirting problem that may require an intervention.
Aleanghi: Bards.
GM Vaschon: You heard mention of a great red dragon named Velah however discovered a young white dragon in a cavern.
GM Vaschon: Yes, Veracity with her flirtatious skills on a minotaur.
Aleanghi: Oh dear. Well, though, likely hung like a bull, right…?
Aleanghi: (cannot believe I just typed that…)
Palin: GOOD GOD.
Veracity: Hey, hey. Whatever the circumstances call for. That minotaur needed to be handled with care!
Palin: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!
Palin: sorry. I’ll switch to decaf now.

Torkal and Bentein are not with us yet. We decide not to enter the contest, but to escort our friend Rotty the Dwarf back upstairs and check out the formerly flooded areas. We head in that direction and run into a group of 5 kobolds. We’re feeling lucky.

Palin: You know, nobody’s caught on fire in several weeks. I think it’s a personal best for us.
GM Vaschon: Well, you did avoid every encounter last week
Palin: Your point?
GM Vaschon: The odds are in your favor!

Five kobolds are a pretty fair fight. We think we can take them, until we cast a spell that reveals two more mages and a rogue. I don’t like those odds, but we’re in it now. We poke at them, then a spearman gets in a lucky crit on Val.

GM Vaschon: Val takes 8 points of damage with a vicious thrust and loses his left hand.
Palin: This is revenge for all those “hand” jokes you made to that Drow.
Aleanghi: Karma
Val: the sad thing is Val will still make the jokes

We continue to fight. My mindset is that whatever happens, at least I still have a hand! That is, until a kobold mage gets happy.

GM Vaschon: A flaming sphere appears at Palin…
GM Vaschon: Palin is burning for 9 points of damage. A resigned look crosses her face.
Palin: I gotta scroll back up and find the bit where I talked about not being on fire. That’ll be ironic now when it goes in the writeup.
Aleanghi: Heh

Veracity uses her bardic skills to cast Charm on two of the kobolds.

Veracity: And you all said Flirting was a useless skill. Hah.

Meanwhile, Val is bleeding from his stump. I have a potion in my backpack that could help, but I don’t want to turn my back on the enemy long enough to get it to him. We try to figure out a way he can get it without dropping our guard.

Val: What if…Val sleight of handed it?
Aleanghi: With one hand?
Val: never heard of a one-armed bandit?
Bentein: ARG
Palin: oh my god.
Aleanghi: Heh.
Bentein: KILL HIM

Val freaks out and goes caveman on the spearman who attacked him, injuring the spearman slightly. His hair is slightly mussed in the process, which tells you how upset he is. I also attack a mage for minimal damage. Aleanghi decides we need help and summons Rollo, the Amazing Celestial Fire Beetle… who misses his target entirely. No worries, Bentein cuts the mage a new fire hole. Unfortunately, the other mage regains control of the big fire sphere which had been engulfing me and rolls it onto our mage, Aleanghi. Professional jealousy, probably. Val continues to bleed out and flail at the enemy.

Palin: Palin can’t stand the sight of stampy Val, hair askew, flailing away at the enemy. She chooses to get her potion out, and damn the penalties.
stumpy, not stampy.
GM Vaschon: Stampy Val is taking a lickin
GM Vaschon: and keeps on stickin
Palin: grooooan.

Bentein really sucks up a lot of damage this time, but at least he doesn’t lose a hand, Luke Skywalker style, the way Val did. Then one of the spearmen fails his roll and “thrusts at Ale and trips over a stone, his spear breaks in half and he falls to the ground, impaling himself…. to death.” If we can’t kill them, at least they can kill themselves.

At this point, Torkal arrives, so I get him up to speed.

GM Vaschon: A mage chooses Palin and moves the flaming sphere over.
Palin: You missed the bit earlier where I talked about how we hadn’t been set on fire in a few weeks, and then moments later irony set us on fire.
GM Vaschon: Palin fails her save and is engulfed in the flame.
Palin: AGAIN.

Seriously, universe, why me? Sigh. Torkal does manage to kill the mage, though.

Bentein: Hey, a dead mage is a Good Thing.
Palin: You’re like the Martha Stewart of the zombie mines.
Veracity: Veracity goes back to ineffectually trying to shoot the annoying rogue. She tries imagining it with Val’s face this time, to see if that helps her focus.
Val: don’t roll a 1
onlinehost Veracity rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
Val: BITCH
Veracity: ::stares at Val::
Val: i know right where thats going!
Veracity: ROFL
Palin: hahahaaa!
GM Vaschon: An arrow whizzes by Val’s face.
Palin: whew!

And then IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD, Palin goes for the rogue but flubs her roll, hitting Val for major damage:

Val: this time i thought it but didn’t type it
Bentein: o.O
Palin: I just healed him!
Aleanghi: Oh dear.
Veracity: ::dies laughing::
Torkal: Val just dies.
Aleanghi: Good thing you just healed him.
Palin: I’m sorry, I know it’s terrible but I can’t see for laughing so hard.
Bentein: Awwww.
GM Vaschon: Palin gets a spec in her eye and imagines she sees a tail on Val. She hauls off and attacks dealing 13 points of damage before realizing he’s not a kobold after all.
Torkal: There’s blood, blood, blood in the waater.
Val: I for one am glad that we did not enter the tourney

After we all fail to hit it, Rollo the Beetle gnaws the rogue to death. Bentein finishes off a spearman. Torkal, who is prone to call his shots with great drama, also tries to get the final spearman.

Torkal: SPEARMAN. FACE. FINAL DESTINATION.
Torkal: Power attack +4.
onlinehostTorkal rolled 1 20-sided die: 2
Veracity: …..
Val: you have a connecting flight

The final spearman is still upright when Val’s turn rolls around.

Val: Val, acutely aware he is being attacked by his teammates begins to run. He says to the Spearman, ” There are too many! Lets get out of here!” Rolling bluff to make the kobold believe Val has been forced onto his side….or at least severely confuse him
Torkal: …
Palin: ha!
Val: I CAN DO THAT YES?!
Palin: I love it.
GM Vaschon: The kobold turns and watches Val run away. The kobold is distracted and suffers a -4 penalty to defense.
Palin: Genius! Palin’s not going to waste that.
Val: i better make the writeup
Palin: you ARE the writeup.
Val: that’s all i ever wanted to hear
Palin smacks the kobold.
GM Vaschon: The kobold is killed with a confused look on its face.
Palin: Bravo.
Aleanghi: Whee!

Way to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, Val. This concludes part one of our adventure. Everyone give Val a hand – he could use one!